Thursday, 3.5.20

This photo was taken the week my Dad passed. My husband greatly encouraged me to go get a blowout so that I would feel refreshed & have one less thing 'to do' before the wake & the funeral. I was numb, still running on adrenaline, & greatly resisting his idea. In the end, though, I ended up giving in because quite frankly, I didn't have it in me to make many more decisions that week.

If I was being completely honest, I felt a bit embarrassed that I was getting blowout in preparation for my Dad's funeral. Even writing out those words make me feel, well, weird. You might even be thinking, "What in the world?!" ...which is totally human! & even more reason why those words need to be written. Why? Because judgement - whether internal, intentional or not - keeps us small. It keeps our seeds in the dirt. But we were all meant to grow - together. And the best way to do this is to share... to continue to tell our stories so that we judge less, & LOVE MORE.

I snapped this car-selfie immediately after that blowout & sent it to Mark. I remember feeling for the first time in MONTHS, since everything began with my Dad, in this odd way, "anew".

I was scared and, strong.
I was mourning and, rebirthing.
I was tired and, alive.
I was lost and, redefining myself.
I was heartbroken and, awakened.

In an odd way, that 'blowout' reminded me of the importance of leaning on the advice of loved ones when you are not feeling yourself, the importance of taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others better, and the importance of taking photos when you REALLY don't want to. When I took this one, I only did it because I knew Mark would appreciate it. What I didn't know, however, was what it would mean to me months later.

I see a woman who is swimming when she thought she might sink. I see a woman who is showing her kids that true strength comes with real BIG, honest emotions. I see that it is possible to be a light when you feel the darkest you have ever felt. I see a woman I didn't know I could be... one that I think would have made her father very, very proud.

Let's keep growing together friends, there is so much more beauty in the bloom.
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