the art of crying : self portrait feb


  Wednesday, 2.13.13


on september 20, 2012

i wrote :


i seem to have somehow lost my ability to cry...
& I'm not exactly sure when nor why this has happened.
usually i'm the person that cries at every movie (even cartoons), commercials, random animal rescue FB posts, weddings, handwritten cards & most of all anything remotely related to my loved ones.

yet on my own wedding day, nothing. well, okay maaaybe a little tear up here or there, but no where near the normal Ksenija CRY. i think my smile was permanently molded on my face that day. i honestly don't remember it unwinding.

now let me clarify this 'lost ability' a teeny bit. the last time i remember having a good, from the gut, CRY was july 22nd- when my mother & sister threw me a bridal shower. i received an amazing scrapbook made by my talented 9 year old niece Alex, & just as i felt my knees starting to tremble, i TOTALLY & UTTERLY LOST IT. i felt such tremendous love at that moment it was beautifully overwhelming.

but... some time between then & now, i seemed to have lost my ability to cry. how is this possible?

& i miss it. you see, i LOVE crying. i love the emotional release, i even love capturing it when it happens to others. i love the realness of it. call me crazy, but for as much as i LOVE smiling, i love crying & letting it ALL out.

as i sit here on our honeymoon with my husband, in 89 degree sunshiny breezy goodness of weather (*sigh*), i still have no clue when or where those tears have gone?! but i have faith that I will somehow regain my 'ability' when the time is right.

because you see,,, just like any good 'art', you have to TRUST above all else that all is meant to be & WILL be as it should, when it should.

that all emotion is good, whether you understand it or not.
to FEEL something, anything, is better than to have never felt at all.

today is February 13, 2013
& since i have written the words above, i can say i have had a couple good cries...

but none quite like today.

i received news that one of my best friend's dogs has passed.
this dog was a LOVER of life, a character , a true SWEETIE, a girlfriend of Jones
& most of all,

a part of my heart.

she was family.

as i sat on my couch whaling in this heartache, Jones came over & sat right next to me.
it was as if he knew something in the world just wasn't right today.

today i cried.
today the sun shined bright.

today i FELT.



'the art of crying'
...my february self portrait

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