humblemumble : april self portrait


  Thursday, 6.16.11


life has a way of humbling you.

just the other day i saw a picture of myself that didn’t make me very happy, to say the least.
being a photographer, you would think I would easily think about how certain camera angles can be unflattering
or remind myself that ‘we are all our worst critics’
or just plain not care and love & appreciate myself for all that I AM.

but nope. not that day. i tried to fill & fill my brain with a zillion positive thoughts & remind myself how blessed i am, but nothing – NOTHING - was working.

i had to go to the bank so I hopped in my car & began to drive. rolled down the windows, put in my go-to-soothing-for-the-soul music, mr. Amos Lee , & hoped that the sunshine would seep into my pores & lighten my thoughts.

instead, the more i drove, the more my mind was overwhelmed with negative clutter & harsh thoughts about myself. i decided there was only one thing i could do.

Pray.

& so I did. through the angst of my own mind still fighting me I muttered out :

dear God,,,
{Pause. Breath. Pause.}

here I am. send me.
guide me. show me the way.
dismiss these unnecessary thoughts.
guide ME. here I am.

send me.
{pause. Breath. Pause}
Amen


i pulled into the parking lot & thought, ‘hmmph. that was weak. that’s all i got?’ yet trusted that ‘something’ was better than nothing. strolled into the bank, smiled & gave my deposit to the teller. she smiled back at me. i told her i liked her hair. she smiled even bigger, blushed & said,

“why Gosh, thank you!” then chuckled a little to herself & said,
“when you walked in, i thought you were a model or a,,, a ballerina with the way you have your hair up.”


outwardly i smiled & thanked her for the sweet words. inwardly i thought,
'why is it so easy to see yourself harshly at times when someone who doesn't know you at all can so easily see your light?...
God sure has a way of humbling you’


& in that moment, my mind was calmed & i remembered that i was made for a reason.
with a PURPOSE. just the way that I am.
all i can do is continue to make good choices & nourish every single part.

...because the truth is, no matter what the day may bring, we are all wonderFULLy made.

below is my self portrait for April.
it was taken on a very long & rainy day in Turkey while i was on my recent Mediterranean adventure (more of those images to come). this image was actually taken in the bathroom on a excursion boat of all places.
i call it :

‘ happy distortion? ’

because sometimes,
no matter how hard we try,
we will all get a little distortion either in our view
or in our minds.

this is when we must remind ourselves that there IS beauty in the distortion….
a sweet reminder of the 'perfection' in 'imperfection'.

love & gratitude

ksen

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