DON'T LOSE HOPE


  Monday, 4.13.20


This past Friday was 6 months since my father passed. I had been off & on slightly anxious wondering how I would feel at the six month mark & then when the day came, somehow I didn't even realize it until I spoke with my Mom (being quarantined has a way of making you lose track of what day it is, doesn't it).

Truth be told, for some reason I thought I would be further along by now, meaning -- I would be more accepting of the fact that he's gone and feeling some major growth & healing. Although I do feel some, overall, I'm not. I'm just not. I miss him so badly it literally crushes me & brings me to tears more often than I want to admit. It still feels surreal that he's not here & I keep thinking that at any second he'll be knocking at my door bringing an entire world of sunshine with him in just his smile itself. I often find myself in a sort of denial that he's really gone, because the mere thought of not seeing him again feels absolutely UNBEARABLE.

These are truths, most of which I feel way to vulnerable & almost embarrassed to share. Why? Because I've always been a glass half full person, so "shouldn't I be viewing this differently? Shouldn't I be healing more quickly?"

But being positive doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time -- it means that even in the hardest of times, you know that there are better ones coming your way. It means that you throw out expectations & "should've", and instead you experience ALL & never ever lose sight of HOPE.

So, 6 months after losing him, this is where I find myself. In a place where I simply AM, knowing more than ever that I was blessed beyond measure to have him as a father and a Dedo to my children. And knowing that I will never be the same, but that the doesn't mean that I can't take these lessons & become an even better version of myself.

A little while back I wrote these notes from a Kensington Church service :

"See a victory of the giants in our life & close the gap between our reality & Gods plan for us."

There IS beauty in the mess, friends. We just have to be willing to go through the storm, as painful as it may be.

Don't lose HOPE.


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